A day in the life of Evelyn Kirsten

I'M MOVING!!!!! NOT STATES BUT WEBSITES

2008-12-23T00:04:00.002-05:00

HEY GUYS! I LOVE YOU AND WANT YOU TO KNOW I AM MOVING TO EVELYNKIRSTEN.WORDPRESS.COM COME AND READ AND ALL THERE! I HOPE TO READ YOUR COMMENTS AND ALL. Come visit all my old blogs are on there and there is a new one as well. hope to have you visit soon.

CHRISTMAS AND TECHNOLOGY

2008-12-20T14:03:00.002-05:00

So it's Saturday. Christmas is thursday it's right around the corner. Time goes by way to quickly! I'm sitting in my boyfriends living room, the chirstmas tree is sitting in the corner and it got me thinking why does life go by so fast. It's like if you want it to go by fast then it creeps but once you realize what your missing and how valuable it is time goes by quicker than ever imagined. I'm watching suvivor man and his GPS was left on overnight and therefore left him unable to find his way back to the guy he was supposed to be meeting. How much do we rely on technology for life. I mean the computer that i'm on to write this, The comp you are on reading this, the television or radio in the background, GPS, video games you get the idea. How much do we depend on them and is it rediculous some of the time? Like in the outdoor world technology can lead to carelessness and hightened risk. I'm not saying technology is bad, my boyfriend makes his living off of it lol i'm on his work laptop right now. I'm just saying be careful how much you rely on it. Let this be a warning. What would you do if we suddenly lost all technology? Just something to think about

WOOT

2008-12-19T09:53:00.002-05:00

I don't know what it is about you,
maybe it's the way nothing else matters when we're talking,
or how you make me smile more than anyone else ever has.
It could be the way that you say the exact right thing,
at exactly the right time, but whatever it is,
I just want you to know that it means everything to me.

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

TODAY I AM IN LOVE WITH LIFE

2008-12-11T17:40:00.001-05:00

Today I am in love with life. Every moment is amplified to express so much more than ever would have been thought. And love. Love is the loudest of them all echoing from the sky to the people on the ground filling each moment with warmth for those who will look and feel untainted by the world, if only for a moment just feel. Stop everything, walking, talking, hearing, even breathing and dare to feel the energy surrounding you. There is a world jus t beneath our hustle and bustle, beneath the steady hum of life there is something that can’t be explained or seen. It is something so powerful it could change our lives. Take a moment can you feel it? The world is brighter than I’ve ever seen it and it fills me with life and ambition giving me the desire to run into the streets not caring who is watching and sing like I’m in the sound of music or some other classic musical. Imagine running across hills and through the streets so filled with life that you can’t contain it. Today I am in love with life I care not of race, nationality, origin, sexual orientation, gender or lifestyle. I simply love life because it is here. It is magical and extraordinary but most of all it is beautiful, all forms of it regardless of size or gender, regardless of what other people may say or think. Life is amazing and today I am in love with every inch of Oversized T-shirt and pajama shorts, unwashed, paint covered, smudged eyeliner, imperfect body. Today I looked in the mirror and smiled because I am beautiful and loved just the way I am imperfections and all. Take a moment and fall in love with life. Let the ever-present essence of it consume every inch of your being, letting it flow through your veins and fill you with this energy, this unexplainable sense of wholeness. The world is peaceful for only a moment as it may be but peaceful all the same. Let your eyelids fall and drift into a world of uncompromised fantasy which becomes reality if you will only let your mind wander. Imagine… go on it’s not just imagination it’s reality, magic really. A whole world unseen to most, only seen by those who truly believe, incandescent eyes look out from a window. These are the eyes not of your body, no not of the flesh that helps you function but from your soul that is life. From a soul so hidden it is often only found in children. Open these eyes and it will open the door to a vast and wonderful, magical new world concealed within the confines of the current. Today I am in love with life for my soul has reopened its eyes. Today I am traveling with pirates and have wings glowing white and blue down my back. Today I can see the fairies and gnomes hiding behind the trees in the woods behind my house. Today I am in love with life.
<3 Evelyn Kirsten

What is Christmas to you?/ Why not celebrate life?

2008-12-06T20:47:00.000-05:00

So I was thinking about Christmas today since it is fast approaching. Why do we celebrate God’s supposed birthday? I see how it is symbolic of his birth and what a miracle it was but why just celebrate that day I mean Christians are supposed to live a life of worship and live everyday in celebration of his life so why pick out just one day. Why not just make everyday a celebration of his life and live it for his honor? Just like birthdays isn’t everyday an awesome gift, so live everyday in celebration of life. Maybe it’s just me. I never celebrated Christmas growing up and it’s never been a big thing in my life. I don’t know I don’t really get super stoked about it I mean the whole ordeal is fun I guess but not for the reason it’s “supposed” to be. I get excited about presents because I love surprises not just cause it’s Christmas. I get excited about the decorations because it’s bright and fun and I just love decorating. I love it because it brings people together when it’s cold outside. If nobody else around us got excited about Christmas would it ultimately become obsolete? Would we stop celebrating it altogether? What is the reason we ultimately celebrate anyways? Is it for Santa, presents, lights, songs, family, tradition, Jesus, etc what is your reason? Be honest with yourself completely. So back to my original topic, why make Christmas, or life and death such a big deal? Why not celebrate the life of someone instead? Apply this to everyday life, why celebrate the birth and death of people and loved ones? Why not celebrate their lives? Celebrate their life and how they lived and what happened while they were alive not when they were born, while that is important, of when they died, which is also important, but is their life not that much more significant? It defines who they were and why they were loved. It represents them. Why not remember than rather than how or when they died or were birthed? I hope this makes sense. It just got me thinking today when I was in the car with my boyfriend Drew and his cousin Josh. We were talking about Christmas and I said something along the lines of I never really got into Christmas and that Jesus wasn’t really even born on December 25th and Josh turned the music down and they both give me that look like WHAT and are like well that doesn’t matter it’s symbolic, which is true. It just got me thinking so I figured I would write out some words for thought. Just ponder a bit. Doesn’t mean you have to believe any one thing just think about it. What is Christmas to you?

BIG GIRL YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL...CURVES IN ALL THE RIGHT PLACES

2008-12-05T00:31:00.001-05:00

Big girl you are beautiful

Walks in to the room
Feels like a big balloon
I said, 'Hey girls you are beautiful'
Diet coke and a pizza please
Diet coke I'm on my knees
Screaming 'Big girl you are beautiful'

You take your skinny girls
Feel like I'm gonna die
Cos a real woman
Needs a real man is why

You take your girl
And multiply her by four
Now a whole lotta woman
Needs a whole lot more

Get yourself to the Butterfly Lounge
Find yourself a big lady
Big boy come on around
And they'll be calling you baby

No need to fantasise
Since I was in my braces
A watering hole
With the girls around
And curves in all the right places

Big girls you are beautiful (x 4)

Turkey Day? or Cruelty day?

2008-11-19T11:34:00.000-05:00

Watch more videos at PETA.org

WHAT THE HELL?!

2008-11-17T11:32:00.001-05:00

If Jesus doesn’t need our money then why do we tithe?
If we were all created equal then why do we strive to be better than others?
How is forgiveness different than being fake?
How many Christians actually know what they say they believe?
I’ve had better atheist and agnostic friends than Christian.
I honestly believe that sexual orientation is not a choice. People are born one way or another.
Why do people accept things as true just because it’s in the bible?
Why does being a member of a church hold any significance? Since when does the bible say thou must be a member of a church?
Why do people fake caring and kindness?
Do you even really care who I am and what my story is?
Christian music mostly sucks.
Do Christians use God to feel wanted and loved, or as a sense of hope that this crap hole isn’t all there is?
It’s not a phase.
I’m not sure what to believe.
Why scare people into Christianity by threatening hell?
WHAT THE HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why do preachers never touch on obesity?
Since when does church require a building?
I just don’t know!
What are emotions and what is real?
I’m never going to get this right?
What if I’m happy without church?
I went to a church for 4 years and then left and only one person took the time to care.
Why the fuck do people cheer and what not acting all spiritual in church yet in their lives they are assholes?
Why don’t we have church outside and just picnic and eat lunch on the grass?
What business is it of yours to judge my choices and my life?
Why can’t Christians be the church and just love people instead of acting like recruiters for church?
Love people for who and where they are not who you think they should be and don’t try to change people just let them be who they are and love them for it.
Since when does the world come to an end because of a black president?
Why ban abortion we would have more problems without it cause women would find other ways to kill their babies or themselves.
What if I’m happier living my life now then I ever was before when God was centered in my life?
These are just my thoughts and questions.

Evelyn Kirsten

ANIMALS HAVE RIGHTS TOO...:(

2008-10-30T19:39:00.000-04:00

SEX

2008-10-28T13:21:00.002-04:00

Silence broken by screaming
Thumping, crashing
Dreams not conscious not asleep
Pushing, scratching
Pulling, grabbing
Throbbing desire
Don’t quench this fire
Burn I do
And burn for you
Heavy breathing
Frantic tone
Mind on overload
Feeling as if I might explode
Racing heart
The end or just the start
What a rush
Numb to the touch
Flushed and beautiful
Stopping catching air
Lying without care
Perfect
:)
Evelyn

IMAGINATION STATION

2008-10-28T12:58:00.002-04:00

swish swish
the wind blows
cold through my hair
bliss
wish
in your arms i wish to be
you're stunning eyes i want to see
you're arms around my torso
you're skin against my face
tangled in a euphoric melody
tangled in this moment
hearbeat to heartbeat
everytime we meet
warm and inviting
a refuge a home a lover
a life a love
of forgiven laughter
of blanket castles
laughter erupts
imagination cover the floor
it coats the bed
exploding from the corners
we are seven and invincible
and here i am
well i woke up in your arms
well i woke up a tangled mess
i woke up the happiest i have ever been
and as the wind whips at my face
the cold tries to invade my skin
this memory is my warmth
and i can't help but smile
:)
Evelyn Kirsten

FRAGILE CLICHE

2008-10-27T23:44:00.003-04:00

this fragile cliche has me screaming for longer days
this lump in my stomach has been here for months
I've lost this feeling in my limbs
something is quite wrong.
these are the words on the tip of my tongue.
not quite what you would love to hear
but honest all the same
I'm sick of the fragile words and eggshells
what was once black and white has faded to grey
i want this to be real
tell me this is what i feel
let me hear you say it
just one word
let me hear you scream out the lie
this disguise i know all too well
this fragile cliche has me screaming for longer days
and as i watch the smoke disperse from my cigarette i know it will all be worth it without you.

WHY

2008-10-27T17:49:00.001-04:00

new days careless ways countless times numerous rhymes.

why..the ultimate question..

FLIGHT AND FREEDOM

2008-10-17T15:54:00.001-04:00

Think and Imagine. You are floating above the clouds, weightless; your body seems as if it is weightless. There is a yanking feeling in your back and as you look out to your side there is a foreign kind of thing sticking out beyond your body. You are quickly come to realize that these foreign things and the tugging feeling in your back are wings. You are flying effortlessly above the earth and clouds, surrounded by white vapor all around caressing your skin, sliding over your body. It is like nothing you have ever felt before. You leave all the burdens of life behind, leaving all your addictions and baggage behind just flying. High above everything you soar, fly and leave everything far behind. The sun warming your back a soft breeze ruffles through your clothes. Suddenly you hear this faint buzzing sound gradually becoming louder as you fly. The sky starts to grow dim and loose color. The weightless feeling is fading away. Heaviness is felt on top of your body. You close your eyes hoping that when you reopen them the sky will once again be bright and weightless. Yet when your eyes open they don’t find anything of a bright sky. You open your eyes to another alarm clock 8 am morning, the heaviness of blankets on your body, the hint of flight still in your mind. Although it is fading fast, a smile crosses your lips because you know that one day you will truly fly. You start a new day with the beauty of flight and freedom.
-Evelyn Kirsten

IT WILL ALL BE WORTH IT IN THE END...I WILL HOLD STRONG.

2008-10-15T11:48:00.001-04:00

I will be the answer
At the end of the line
I will be there for you
While you take the time
In the burning of uncertainty
I will be your solid ground
I will hold the balance
If you can't look down

If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all gone out
You'll still be burning so bright

Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind
Take me to a
Place so holy
That I can wash this from my mind
The memory of choosing not to fight

If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
'Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all burned out
You'll still be burning so bright

Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind

THE PURPOSE DRIVEN LIFE DAY 1

2008-10-06T13:36:00.001-04:00

Two are better off than one, because together they can work more effectively. If one of them falls down, the other can help him up… Two people can resist an attack that wold defeat one person alone. A rope made of three cords is hard to break.
-Ecclesiastes 4:9 (TEV)

Unless you assume a God, the question of life’s purpose is meaningless.
-Bertrand Russell, atheist

Verse to remember: “Everything got started in him and finds its purpose in him”
-Colossians 1:16b (Msg)

Question to Consider:
In spite of all the advertising around me, how can I remind myself that life is really about living for God, not myself.

I’m about to spend the next 39 days of my life following this book as my devotion with Drew in hopes that it will not only strengthen our individual walks with Christ but also strengthen and focus our relationship on God. There is so much in this world that can distract us from God and what he wants for our lives. It’s bigger than what our career is and who we are supposed to marry. Now don’t get me wrong those are all important parts, but have we lost sight of the big picture? It asked how I can remind myself to live for God and not for myself. I’m really not sure. I loose focus so much. I suppose one thing I am doing is this bible study to just keep my focus on him. Another thing would be to consciously put God into every part of my life including school and relationships….

;)

A NIGHT BY THE FIRE

2008-10-06T00:03:00.002-04:00

Teach me to dream
Teach me to laugh
Show me how to love
How many years would I have wasted?
All these years and I’ve barely even tasted
The sweet nectar
Of this awesome adventure
Lift me up to see what you can see
It will be just me you and me
Making a lifetime of memories
Fly with me beyond the horizon
A newfound exploration
Something more than evaporation
Take me back to six years old
When a penny was gold
I was a gypsy on a bike
You traveled with pirates
Sails flying high
Teach me to reach for the sky
We can touch it if we try
Amazing what life can bring
When you don’t expect a thing
You and me we sit and dream
You have that gleam
Sitting by the fire
Silence can be the best remedy
Spend forever sitting next to me
The embers burn low
There’s a lot we don’t know
But there is room to grow
We are dreamers……….

--Evelyn Kirsten

-------Dedicated to Drew Davis. My hero and someone who has shown me how to truly live life. I will always love you even when you have dentures------A

YOU CAN'T TAKE BACK WHAT YOU'VE TAKEN AWAY

2008-10-03T10:36:00.000-04:00

Broken
Betrayed
Jealous
Deceived
Depressed
Tempted
Empty
Lost
Confused
Scared
Lonely
Forsaken
Destroyed
Invisible
Unheard

Healed
Dream
Forgiven
Rescued
Protected
Truth
Trust
Consumed
Recovered
Remade
Love

I’m so confused in my life. I don’t know where to go. I don’t know what to do. Everything is crashing down around me and I feel like I’m just an observer. Like it’s not really my life and I guess I’ve just gone numb to the whole thing. It’s so hard to tell the difference between truth and the lies

Your words sting like needles in my spine
The truth and the lie are intertwined
Hanging like poison from unwanted vines
You speak in riddles and say what I need to hear
But what is real in this world of plastic

My heart is burning and broken
What once gave me a love
Is bitter on my lips
Are you trying to keep the flame alive?
It was dead long ago

Burn me with passion
Brittle and breaking
Burning with quiet rage
Within this hollow cage
Am I nothing but thrown away

The leftover of another love
Your lips dripping in lies
Have you become that naïve?
Cover it in a smile and coat it in sugar
It’s still poison
It’s still death
Doesn’t matter how you coat it

So cover up your lies
Put on a smile
Tears still drip sore
A fragile edge lined in misery
I don’t want to be afraid
So lost
I’m tired of feeling like this
Relief exists
I am not alone

Your words cut like razor blades
A stab to my heart
Left me to cry
You drained me dry
I lay on the floor
Pushing away the tears
Consumed by my fears
Help me let this go
I can’t let it show
I don’t need you

Crashing like a tidal wave across the sea
I can only take so much
I can only try
It’s killing me inside
It’s time to say goodbye
….goodbye.

--by Evelyn Kirsten

CRASH

2008-09-29T20:50:00.001-04:00

Water is falling from the sky, lights are flashing, and there is a booming sound in the distance. The sky is a dark gray and it is pouring. Lightning and thunder crash but this is nothing. I run panicked up and down up and down, searching, for what I do not know. I feel lost among these people… something has gone terribly wrong. I reach up to touch my face, everything is so surreal. I look around at the mess of tangled metal and broken glass as if I am looking into someone else’s life. The sky looks like it is angry and seeking vengeance. The wind whips my wet hair around my face, the little strands stinging my cheeks. This pain is a distant surreal feeling compared to the confusion and pain erupting within my skull. I look off the bridge into the water below and off to the shore just to look at something else other than the terrible accident. I turn to look back at the mess of metal. Glass littering the ground, it is covered in this red fluid, quickly realizing it is blood, I start to panic once again. I look for the source of this blood and see that it is a young girl with silver blonde hair in the driver’s seat of a little black car. There is no way she is still alive. There is a huge gash in her chest where a piece of the windshield has pierced her body. Her head is cocked to the side in a weird angle. My face is soaking wet and my body is shaking. I can’t tell if it’s because of the shock and being upset or if it’s just from the rain and being cold. Either way I can’t get it to stop. It’s overtaking my entire body. I can’t move all I can do is stare at the mangled frames and the emergency people picking up the bodies out of the mess of what used to be car. I can’t take this anymore. I can’t look because I know if I look I will recognize the people they are covering with white sheets mangled and torn. I go to the edge of the bridge and lean over the railing looking over into the water below speckled with rain droplets. I swing my legs over the edge and stand on the little ledge hands still on the cold metal railing. I lean out and just stare out for a moment. A calm and comfort overcomes me. I let go of the rail and spread out my arms like wings and fall straight down. It’s almost like I’m flying. Right before I hit the water I wake with a start in my bed shaking and breathing hard. My body is covered in sweat but I can’t stop shaking, tears are rolling down my face. I slowly realize I am safe and my friends are still alive. It was just a nightmare. It’s 4:30 am. I pull my knees to my chest and rock too scared to go back to sleep. The haunting sound of crunching metal and broken glass still ringing in my ears. The image of people covered in sheets still floating behind my eyes. I sit in my bed and stare off into the dark waiting for sleep to come back, although I know it is far away. It will be a long night. It always is after dreams like these. These are my dreams since my wreck.

verse for the day

2008-09-29T12:14:00.000-04:00

“Trust in the Lord and do good; so you will live in the land, and enjoy security. Take delight in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act. Be still before the Lord, and wait patiently for him.” (Psalm 37:3-5, 7a)

THE PERFECT NIGHT FOR A SUICIDE

2008-09-26T11:08:00.000-04:00

Beauty…seen or unseen. As the wind flows through the trees, making them dance. I wonder what it would be like to dance like the trees, graceful and beautiful as the wind twirls and spins. What would it be like to have that kind of grace? How would it feel to float?

The orange, red and yellows of fall are starting to peek from their hiding place. They are beautiful. It is an all to familiar feeling of loneliness that overcomes me as I sit and eat my dinner in solitude. I used to always have someone, yet these days I find I would rather sit alone in silence. Perhaps there is nothing wrong at all, just a pensive, observation of reality. It gives me time to just be, because sometimes that’s all we need. I find that the world often forgets to just be. They are all to busy hustling and bustling around. They forget to stop talking and moving and making noise and just simply listen. Just be, watching and listening almost as if invisible.

Later that night….laying by the fountain in the grass hidden in a cover of darkness.

Tonight is the night you see when you plan the perfect suicide. The clouds have a look of self destruction about them. The edge of the sky is on fire as if the pits of hell were trying to escape its eternal destruction.

Tonight is the perfect night to die
I am at a loss for words here
There is no fear
Just a simple exploding excitement
From deep within somewhere
Something unspoken for
Just look above
And take your final breath
There is no fear
Just let it go
And fly

“All my walking, talking, sleeping, breathing nothing will ever be the same.”
“I always believed in you. I always loved you”
--the spill canvas

MUSIC. PEOPLE. MY MOM.

2008-09-25T12:33:00.002-04:00

The sun shines outside the window... I am eating lunch in the cafeteria and there is the constant buzz of people socializing and talking about everything from sports to sex. I wonder if it were possible to read people’s minds, what people would actually be thinking. I am sitting with headphones in my ears chillin in the world of Pandora. She keeps me company a lot here lately. Music honestly keeps my life going. I have become dependent on it for everything. It’s like a drug I can’t live without. It’s a beautiful strand spinning a tangled web around my life, each line describing a part of my life. Hello my name is Evelyn and I’m an addict. I was sitting in my room last night and I was on the interblag, as I often am, and I was reading my E-mail. There was one from my aunt, which caught me off guard considering I haven’t been in contact with her in quite some time. I opened it but when I did I quickly realized it wasn’t a letter by her… it was one from my mom to her which she had forwarded to me. It talked of her classes and of their financial situation and how they are barely scraping by. I wonder what my brothers are going to do for college consider the financial shortage and considering my mom is still going to school herself. I worry about them a lot. The minute I opened the e-mail tears filled my eyes and I realized that no matter how much I block it out the pain will always be there and the space will always be there from where we used to be a family.
We used to be so much more than this ever present distance that haunts me. We used to talk and love and laugh. We used to sing songs and fill the house with the pitter patter of running feet and shrieks of laughter as you would chase us through the house. I miss my childhood memories of you. And I cry because that is all they will ever be….memories. I’m scared I’ll never really know you and that we will never get to build that bond we once had back. I’m scared that when I go to see you that you won’t want to talk to me or have me visit. I left so long ago…It’s been three years now. I miss you so much. You hurt me and I hurt myself… I’m learning to forgive you for what happened. I have learned to deal with the death of dad and I have stopped hurting myself but that doesn’t mean I’ve stopped hurting. I love you that will never change no matter what happens, no matter what you say or do I’ll always love you. You are my family that will never change. I wish I knew all of the song you sang when I was little… I want to be able to sing them to my children eventually. I want to get to know you, I want to hang out, I want to laugh… I don’t want to fight and argue. I want to mend this… it’s up to you. We can do this, get back to the basics and start all over again. I’m shaking in my skin half scared to death but I will do whatever it takes to talk to you again.

I love how the world thinks I’m ok….but the people who really know me know I’m not. I’m probably not going to be ok until I can visit my dad and officially say goodbye and see my mom and say hello and try to start over.

I love her.

I’m fighting to let go of all the addictions in my life and one by one I am overcoming them. I stopped cutting, I’m quitting smoking for the 5th time. Lol. I have the love of my life and I couldn’t be happier. He makes my world light up like the sky on the forth of July. He makes me happier than I’ve ever been. He gives me a feeling I can’t quite explain so I call it love. I wish I could make his life a bit easier. He has so much on his shoulders. But his determination and devotion is something I admire.

But it is a beautiful day and I think I’m going to spend some time outside before I have to go to work study..

Much Love
Evelyn Kirsten

A BEAUTIFUL THURSDAY AFTERNOOON

2008-09-18T14:33:00.001-04:00

Today is a beautiful day. The sun it out, there is a nice breeze and well it's just pleasant. I went out and sat near the fountain on the grass as it poked out once again around my blanket this time. I had some amazing time with God. I’ve been fighting to get close to him again and the battle started Monday. I have fallen into temptation; I have fallen into the clutches of a being not human but not quite anything else. He is a master of lies and he has come to destroy everything Christ has placed into my hands. He has pushed his way in little by little and I was to busy enjoying the pleasures of this cleverly disguised destruction. He succeeded in pushing me over the line, I kept getting closer and closer but eventually he got the best of me and with one terrible blow from his evil lips he let out an eerie laugh as I fell to the other side over the line of safety. I felt trapped and helpless, I was consumed. Then I heard a voice and it went a little something like this, hey little girl why do you fret you know the devil ain’t got you yet. You’re just a little lost and it’s a gonna cost ya but why do ya fret? It ain’t over yet. I’m right here on the other side come on over I’ll take you back to those fields of clover. I thought well that sounds like a mighty fine idea. I jumped back over that line laughing in the face of that evil thing as he hissed and flared because he couldn’t drag me back over that line. I was free from his clutches in that forsaken place so well disguised; it has such a good face. I ran away to the arms of my savior and that’s where I’ll stay for I have been rescued. If ever I stray I know where to listen for I know the voice of my savior well. After all he has rescued me many a time… it’s a beautiful Thursday afternoon as I sit upon this hill, the mountains around me shout for joy for I have been set free once again.

NO COMPROMISE

2008-09-12T10:50:00.001-04:00

A revelation of sorts has taken place today. I seem to be having a lot of those lately. I was sitting at my desk, as I usually do in the afternoon, listening to a variety of T.A.T.u and browsing the internet. Putting off homework as usual and I began to think. Why have I put so much energy into changing who I am and what I feel? Do I really care what anyone may think of who I truly am? Am I living my life in fear of their judgment? Do I change what I tell people and filter what comes out of my mouth or of my life based on whom I am around? I used to, but not anymore. This is the end of that. This is the end of pretending. This is me stripped, completely me, and nothing more, and nothing less. You can take it or leave it that is up to you. I’m not gonna spill all my junk on here cause that’s just not how I roll but ask and I’ll let you know….. I’ve just come to the conclusion that this is who I am, why change it for anyone? I will fly. I will break free… today is the day.

Sun-Kissed Bliss, There's Just Something About You.

2008-09-08T21:01:00.003-04:00

Sun-Kissed Bliss

Shattered glass litters the floor
Take me back to where I’ve been before
Take me to the morning shore
A soft hush of crashing waves
The sun glistens rising brave
Waking the world from a temporary grave
Walk with me across the sand
Walk with me hand in hand
A certain beauty fleeting at best
Don’t dare close your eyes to rest
There is a song in the air
Flowing and twirling, spinning and whirling
A free flowing gasping energy
Touching the earth like magic
Reflecting off the wet sand
Fly with me across the sky
Take my hand
This is where we begin
Your hands around my waist
Sea breeze across your face
We have found our place
What a beauty such a grace

FREEDOM FROM....______________.

2008-08-31T23:44:00.004-04:00

There is something beautiful about a billion stars held steady by a God who knows what he is doing. They hang there, the stars, like notes on a page of music, free form verse, silent mysteries swirling in the blue like jazz.

I lay there under the stars and thought of what a great responsibility it is to be human. I am human because God made me. I experience suffering and temptation because mankind chose to follow Satan. God is reaching out to rescue me. I am learning to trust him, learning to live by his precepts that I might be preserved.

------------------------------------Blue Like Jazz--------------------------

Journal

I sit inside after a night of worship with the group. It is the Sunday night after my birthday. I am 19 years old. The sound of strumming guitars and voices resonate throughout the house. There are songs of hope, life and of faith, flowing together like a swirl of exhibition and serenity somewhere between calm and chaos it resides. The beauty of us in the ever-present flow of transparent reality. We are a unique group, some old, some new, some free and some trapped but all sharing one desire. We want to know of His love and His beauty. I have moved outside to the porch, listening to the sounds that fill the air only at night, almost as if it were magic. I have been fighting the clutches of depression daily for the last week or so. I have felt the awful touch of steed as it grazed my skin and took a plunge into flesh ripping away my dignity, my pride, my hope and filling me with guilt, shame secrets and I have lied to the one I love. It promised to relieve my pain and take away this hurt, it was all a lie and I buy it time and time again. This is my addiction. I have given it up. This will be the last time I will fall to its lies. This is the last time it will lie to the ones I love. I put all my razors in a box and tied it up with a ribbon. The gift is more than a box of sharp objects. This is my pain, uncertainty, struggles, addictions, bitterness, walls, defenses, and my disguise. I am surrendering and waiting to be rescued. I am patiently crying out to the only one who can rescue me. The tears cover my face making it hard for me to see, completely oblivious to the people around me. I am on my knees desperate and undeserving. My arm is around the girl beside me. Her name is beautiful but I will not tell you who she is. She is the most amazing girl. Her whole body is shaking as she fights to let go of everything that is hurting her. She is filled with unbearable pain and confusion. I want her to know that I love her and that she can be set free. She needs to surrender as well; she holds it all inside, why I cannot explain I suppose it is the same reason I have held onto everything and pushed it aside and inside. This morning as the sun rose on a new day and the rays broke through the darkness I am learning to surrender. I am letting go of the razors. I am learning to forgive and I have a peace that I have not felt in many months. It is all in His hands, in my saviors, He loves me more than I could ever imagine. Nails pierced both of his wrists, so that scars would not have to cover mine. I cry out to him for only he can save me. I have surrendered and I am being rescued. I was held captive and am now set free. I am captivated by my savior and how wonderful and radical he is. The stars are shining brightly in the midnight sky and as I look up I cannot help but think how big God must be and how amazing he is to have made such beauty. How much more amazing must he see us as, we are his prize creation, we are beautiful in his eyes and that’s all that matters.

--Evelyn Kirsten---

SEALS-RESCUE

2008-08-30T00:46:00.000-04:00

“A long time ago I went to a concert with my friend Rebecca. Rebecca can sing better than anybody I’ve ever heard sing. I heard this folksinger was coming to town, and I thought she might like to see him because she was a singer too. The tickets were twenty bucks, which is a lot to pay if you’re not on a date. Between song, though, he told a story that helped me resolve some things about God. The story was about his friend who is a Navy SEAL. He told it like it was true, so I guess it was true, although it could have been a lie.
The folksinger said his friend was performing a covert operation, freeing hostages from a building in some dark part of the world. His friend’s team flew in by helicopter, made their way to the compound and stormed into the room where the hostages had been imprisoned for months. The room, the folksinger said, was filthy and dark. The hostages were curled up in a corner, terrified. When the SEALs entered the room, they heard the gasps of the hostages. They stood at the door and called to the prisoners, telling them they were Americans. The SEALs asked the hostages to follow them, but the hostages wouldn’t. they sat there on the floor and hid their eyes in fear. They were not of healthy mind and didn’t believe their rescuers were really Americans.
The SEALs stood there, not knowing what to do. They couldn’t possibly carry everybody out. One of the SEALs, the folksinger’s friend, got an idea. He put down his weapon, took off his helmet, and curled up tightly next to the other hostages, getting so close his body was touching some of theirs. He softened the look on his face and put his arms around them. He was trying to show them he was one of them. None of the prison guards would have done this. He stayed there for a little while until some of the hostages started to look at him, finally meeting his eyes. The Navy SEAL whispered that they were Americans and were there to rescue them. Will you follow us? He said. The hero stood to his feet and one of the hostages did the same, then another until all of them were willing to go. The story ends with all the hostages safe on an American aircraft carrier. ”

--Blue Like Jazz—

How many times do we as Christians take the time to become one of the people in this world? Do we let the world know we are right there with them or do we hide behind our title and hide all of our struggles and problems…? Why not take the time to sit down with them and take time to just be. Let them know we are there to help... that we are on their side. We need to put down our weapons and defenses, put down our guard and our front. We need to wait and live and integrate with the world so they know we are with them not against them. Put arms of love around them not judgment, hate, or anything else…just love, RESCUE IS POSSIBLE. We are a people in need of rescue and he is a savior who can save us, but first we must allow him to come in and rescue us. We must follow him out of the dark. We must be willing to Go… Are you willing?

PERFECT LOVE <3

2008-08-23T23:56:00.001-04:00

The enemy has been defeated
And death couldn't hold You down
We're gonna lift our voice in victory
We're gonna make Your praises loud

Shout unto God with a voice of triumph
Shout unto God with a voice of praise
Shout unto God with a voice of triumph
We lift Your name up
We lift Your name up

The enemy has been defeated and death couldn’t hold you down… My savior my God what an awesome God he is. I know my God is with me trough my troubles and through the great times. He is there through the smiles and laughter, but also through the tears and late nights of fighting with razorblades. He is there with me through loneliness and frustration. He is everything to me and he will never leave me nor forsake me. He will never turn his back on me or let me down. He is the perfect love of my life. I love him more than life. I fall down and he picks me back up. I will never be perfect but that is why he died, he coved that part, he made up for me not being perfect. I do not have to have it all together. He accepts me just the way I am, all screwed up with my addictions, my selfishness, my shame, my past, my baggage. He not only accepts me with all of that, he loves me unconditionally. …he is my everything….for he has rescued me, he has set my free and I am free indeed.

Random poems...

2008-08-14T10:09:00.002-04:00

----------------------You seem so out of context in this gaudy apartment complex.----------------
Words
I sit here on a swing
Enjoying the sun
There are children with guns
War is what they do for fun
What have we done
To destroy this disease
What are we doing to give hope
There is someone who can set them free
All they need is rescue

This is the end
All through the twists and bends
Your love defends
-Evie-

Seasons

Today the trees shed their blanket of brown
They traded it in for orange and yellow
Morphing as the leaves fall to the ground
The forest sings a farewell song
Goodbye summer sun and farewell to the
Children that play under the shade
Something new is about to begin
The wind blows in, carrying whispers of distant lands
The trees shed their covering
They know what is unfolding
It’ so much more than they are showing
Soon a blanket of white comes
And with it a silence
Not even the wind dares to whisper
Everything is pure once again, it is pure
The trees like skeletons on the hillside
But life is encased inside
Though it is hidden, it is not vanquished
When the spring unwraps the earth from hibernation
It will once again pulse with life
Until then I am watching the leaves fall
And the wind share its secrets
--Evie--

I heart

2008-08-13T01:32:00.001-04:00

RESCUE....?!

2008-08-12T09:48:00.003-04:00

God whispers to us in our pleasures
Speaks in our conscience
But shouts in our pains
It is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world
-C.S. Lewis-

I need you Jesus come to my RESCUE! Where else can I go? There's no other name by which I am saved capture me with grace I will follow you...

I looked up rescue in the online dictionary and the first definition is...
. To set free, as from danger or imprisonment; save

We speak so often of the need to be rescued but then so easily and often forget that we are rescued daily by a savior who loves us so much he died for us…for our measly little selfish selves he died.

We go through hard times in our life. I do not want you to pretend those are not real they are very real and they affect our live in crazy ways. (divorce, lost friendships, addictions, broken families, depression, suicide, broken hearts, rape, abuse….) it all is a big part of who we are and who we become. I know it did with me. I had to lose everything to find the one thing that would give me life that would give me everything. I lost my Dad, my happiness, my comfort, my Mom, my friends, My control, I fell so deep into a hole I couldn’t even hope for anything better than the darkness around me. I had bulimia, was a cutter, druggie, severely depressed, suicidal, confused, angry…..lost. I was so caught up in all the things around me and I did not know the savior I know now…I had no hope. Life had failed me….

Then I learned of a love bigger than anything I had ever known. He pulled me out of the mud and muck I was stuck in, RESCUED that was me. He radically changed my world and sure, he does not do things overnight he wants you to learn from it. He wants you to take it in and learn from your mistakes and your struggles. He will rescue but it has to be your choice. He will rescue you from things you never knew had a grasp on you. He does not just rescue you once. It is not a one time only deal. He pulls you out of muck time and time again. He knows that you will stumble and that you will fall. He knows that you will doubt. He knows you are not perfect. He knows you will turn away. He knows there will be tears and fights. He knows there will be pain. He just wants you to know that he is your comfort in these storms. He loves you never forget that. He wants you to turn to him when you are hurting when you are struggling, when you fall down. He wants to pick you up and hold you. He will be your rescuer. He is our savior….He will save us…like only he can. He will restore us. He will give us life like we never imagined possible. He will…. LOVE, COMFORT, SAVE, DELIVER, HE WILL….

RESCUE.

He is always there

2008-08-10T01:22:00.001-04:00

He is there in the dead of night whenever I call
He is there in the morning light
He is in the crashing waves
He is in the stars twinkling above me
He is all I need
He has blessed me indeed
I love him more than anything on this earth

Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

(Chorus 2x)

Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go

last week of camp....

2008-08-09T00:56:00.000-04:00

It is around 8:30 at night and I’m on my way to the beach in the car with my mom after my last day of camp. What a week it has been! The week started off with some not so nice words and some not so nice times….I got in a fight with my family and it wasn’t just a fight it was an all out scream fest. My mom was standing by the car door when I got home and she just stood there while I was sitting in the car with my door open and we yelled. ….then she reached in….she said later to hold me…. I took it as a threat because my birth mom used to grab me by the arms and shake me or throw me around when she would yell at me. I run out of the car pushing her out of the way and run across my front lawn yelling that I cannot talk sanely right now and that I’m not ok. I run in the door slamming it closed, run passed my older brother and his girlfriend down the hall through my room slamming that door and collapsing on the inside of the door. I could not breathe I started hyperventilating. I pulled my knees up to my chest and started rocking, sobs rocking my body and tears streaming down my face. I seriously have not been that upset since I lived with my birth mom four years ago. I called drew because I did not know what else to do to calm down. My whole body was shaking uncontrollably and I could not get my breathing back to normal, my chest was tight and it was really scaring me. I called drew and at first, I could not’ talk but he calmed me down enough so that I could breathe and cry without hyperventilating…. This was all Sunday….I went to camp Sunday afternoon and the first couple of days were hard for me because everything was getting to me. The rumors at camp, the hurt looks on Emily and Keisha’s faces from unkind words, being told I was a bad example and popping. It hurt my heart, it sunk in, I really got depressed. My eating disorder started up again and I started not eating or just throwing up my food. I pushed people away and had bad anxiety. It sucked and I turned to someone who was going through the same thing and who really couldn’t help me up cause we were stuck in the same hole together. Drew sent me a letter and it reminded me that people really care about me and that it hurts them like crazy to see me hurt and hurt myself. Even more than that, it reminded me of how much God loves me and how much it hurts him to see me try to do things alone and to see me hurting and all. He loves me and wants me to turn to him when I’m upset and desperate. He is in control of my life and all I have to do is take hold of him and let him direct me. I need to let him have the control and stop trying to control everything myself. I have to let go sometimes and just be like here god have it. I have to remember you are there for me. That letter from drew reminded me that the things going on at camp were temporary and really did not matter in the long run. It would all be over soon enough and sure enough it is.

Old walls

2008-08-02T01:55:00.003-04:00

there is this confusion
it is making me sick
all this emotion
is kicking me in the back
I'm tired but i want you
I want you to know you are my all
you can never be replaced and you never will
you catch me when i fall
you hold me when i'm empty
you are my hero.
am i enough for you?
am i what you need?
I feel unworthy and failing.
I want to give you everything
but i'm afraid i have given you not nearly enough.

WORSHIP!!

2008-07-09T20:36:00.001-04:00

What is worship? Is it something we just blow off as a song or a time of the week? When we sing these songs, do we just sing words that we have memorized from hearing them repeatedly? Or do we seriously listen to the message behind them? Do we become numb to the message the is wrapped up in these voices and words? How long do we go running on fumes feeling empty and wondering what is missing when all we need is God time, all we need is worship. Worship is losing the crowd, losing what is around you, forgetting what time it is and just losing yourself in how amazing our savior is. It is a song to lift up our king, our father, our everything and praise him for all that he is. As I sit here on my porch, the sun has gone down and I have been out here for a couple hours… I started with this empty feeling, wondering what was wrong with me. I sat on my computer talking to people on aim… I was on facebook on a friend’s site from camp, went to her blog, listened to a video by Jeremy riddle, and looked up worship and that was all I needed. I needed to be replenished, I needed to worship, truly worship. I needed to feel that closeness with my savior. I so often forget that he is there waiting for me to take time out of my day and fill up on him. I work at a camp so I pour out into girls all day long and by the end of the day I’m drained and after a couple of days I am spiritually drained because all to often I convince myself I’m too tired to do my devotions after my campers go to sleep. I came home wondering why I felt drained and depressed. It is because I have not spent time with God in three days. I am sitting on my porch listening to music and the beautiful sounds of the night around me. He is to be glorified and praised. Since when is worship about me or what I want? Since when is what I want or like any part of worship. Worship is about a savior who died for us. It is about a love that is beyond anything we could ever imagine. It is not about whether or not we like the songs or how they are played. It is not about lights or sound equipment. It is not about anything that we want or anything that we are. It is about him and laying our lives down again for him. It feels great to worship yeah but that is not why we worship. It is because God has laid down his life for us. It is our time to surrender and turn our lives over to him. It is a time to kneel at the cross and let go of all you struggles because life is hard. It is a time to fall on your face before a loving savior…….welcome to WORSHIP.

MY TIME TO WEEP

2008-07-05T12:45:00.002-04:00

it's my time to weep and my time to mourn

RESCUE ME

2008-07-05T10:55:00.001-04:00

the story of my life....rescue is possible...

SUICIDE

2008-07-05T10:32:00.003-04:00

do you have the slightest clue exactly what you just said to me and exactly who you're talking to she said i don't care care you don't even know me.

KEEP RUNNING

2008-07-05T01:32:00.004-04:00

cause it's easier for me to run from everything: from my past, from my struggles, from my pain, from stress, from anxiety, from my addictions, from the lies, from my lost family, from the numbness....i just want to run. memories i wish i didn't have from my past. They haunt me day after day i push it all aside and pretend i'm fine and everything's ok because there isn't anything i can do to fix it. I just go on and ignore what i can't deal with and then it creeps up and explodes in my face time and time again.

POEMS.....STUCK IN GREY

2008-07-04T10:55:00.001-04:00

[Grey]
Black and white, there is no grey
We go back and forth day after day
Feelings torn
A new day is yet to be born
I live in the middle
Not good, not bad
Sometimes happy
Sometimes sad
Below I fall
My struggles, my fears
I’ve been living in this maybe for years
Pulled into your shadows
Celebrating in the light
I party in the darkness
And creep into the night
Fill me up and beat me down
You smile at me face flat on the ground
Yet I’ll be picked up
But won’t stay away
There is pleasure in the pain
And beauty in the broken
Although I have nothing but confusion to gain
I step again into your arms wide open
I wonder about the questions placed in my mind
They have been floating around for quite some time
Do these words contain any truth
Are these ghosts from my youth
Confusion and comfort hand in hand
Slowly sinking in invisible sand

[Best of forever]
Long nights
Countless fights
Awkward words
Misunderstood
Forever turned into never

We shared everything from clothes to life
We never thought it would crash tonight
Let out a shout
This isn’t what it’s about
What happened to forever?
When will this get better?

Late at night I toss and turn
All the words inside my head burn
A lullaby of certain doom
A cloud of darkness fills the room
I guess it’s true this is the end
Truth be told I’ve had enough
I’m finished, done with all this stuff

POEM....DRY

2008-07-04T10:34:00.004-04:00

[ Dry]
Forgiven, forgotten
Yet it follows me
Helps me fall
Tells me I’m worthless
Tears down my fortress
And even though I call
And turn around
It takes me by the shoulder
And shows me the beauty
Of it’s darkness, the pleasure
Of my pain…
One more time won’t hurt it says
One more time it will all be fine
I’ve won the war but lost yet another fight
Willingly surrendered
I lay down to die…
Yet death does not visit or even flirt
With my life
A dance with disaster
The knives of my life
Float alongside of me
Ever so slightly cutting their way in
Until I can feel it no more
I have become numb to this
So why does it hurt and confuse me?
Why does it haunt my mind?
Why do you haunt my mind?
There are no answers
To this everlasting confusion.

2008-05-28T23:36:00.004-04:00

Across the universe...

that's a long way...

A whole universe...wow!
I feel like i have been draged through the mud with someone who used to be my best friend and now they are trying to make me feel like i am the one who should be blamed and i say no! I will not and do not feel bad.
I feel like i broke up with her but no i refuse to pretend like nothing happened and i refuse to have this turned around and have her try to place the blame on me. This is not my fault it is not my problem it is not my decision. I'm done. It's over....and to tell you the truth i'm not one bit hesitant to be done with it...this situation is starting to make me sick...kind of like when i drink milk or eat too much food...she makes me sick seriously this situation is makeing me dizzy cause i'm going in circles.
but whatever it's over i'm moving on...next story.

So there's this guy right... he drives me crazy in the most amazing way possible. I don't know what to tell you he just rocks my world. I don't know quite what to say.. I seem to have that problem a lot. gah :) He is one of a kind and truly want to spend the rest of my life with him. I know I'm only 18 and I'm gonna wait till i graduate college till I get married definately but He is the only one I have felt this way about and it is absolutely amazing.

2008-05-20T16:19:00.002-04:00

sing us a song and we'll sing it back to you we could sing along but what would it be without you?
I am nothing now and it's been to long since i heard a sound a sound of my only hope
this time i will be listening.
-this heart it beats, beats for only you-
--paramore--

Junkie
Fake
Loser
punk
prep
geek
what do you mean calling names, titles, stereotypes? where do we decide who is what and where they belong? since when do we have that right? who do we think we are anyways? are we a people who decide who and what everyone should be and do..? What if everyone did what we thought they should? what kind of a life would that be? What kind of an exsistence would that be? What kind of people would we become if by a single glance we could determine the fate of someone? What if we could determine their exsistence within a second? how messed up would we be?
Just a thought.

-Evelyn-

www.fundthenations.com

2008-04-24T13:20:00.000-04:00

www.fundthenations.com

2008-04-23T13:39:00.000-04:00

fade in
start the scene,
a boy stands on the on the edge of the world staring off into a once wonderful exsistence that is now a desolate wasteland of despair the only life is that of his broken, numb and slowly dying heart. Looking into the world that held such life once upon a time it was thriving but that was long ago. The stench of decay fill his nostrils as he prepares to take his last breath. He reaches into his pocket feeling the cold hard steel, knowing that this will be the end to the constant pain inside his chest. A smile crosses his lips, the first one in a long time, as he considers the end to a haunting exsistence. Standing on the edge of this concrete mountain about to hear the sound of sweet escape he hears another sound. One quite unexpected. Stepping out of the shadows she reminds him of the life that once inhabited his chest. A hint of life in this dead world. She is the thing he has been searching for. She says I know that this is the edge of the world and the other side is so much more beautiful but look for the beauty among the ashes. on the edge of exsistence i was about to bleed my way to escape, casting myself from this very place never to be seen again. He said how do you make it so easy to be alive, you stand here telling me not to die. Are you out of your mind you don't even know me. There is nothing that can change my mind this is my choice and my decision stands. She stand there arms crossed a strange sort of serenity crossing her face, the beauty there was more than anything possible. his fingers on the trigger feet on the edge of the end he keeps telling himself to stick to the plan to die tonight. anger fills his mind he turns around to face her and says excuse me what right do you have to be here interfearing with my plans. why are you here and what right do you have to tell me how i should live or die. Looking up towards the grey sky she says the stars still shine for us they are simply invisible because of the dark clouds covering the once beautiful sky. There is a wonder in the death around us, it is simply asleap. The sun will come out of hiding and the earth will come to life it is just a matter of time. the beauty is hidden deep inside of you. Seek it out, ten minutes before you got here i was told the same thing and set a spark inside my heart. I could stand here all night trying to convince you but it's up to you. I can prove myself to be better than your attempt at flight. believe me when i tell you that this is more than just the beat in your chest and the gun in your hand this is a promise of another life. We are standing on the edge of the world and i know exacly what you are going through. they both stare at eachother for what was minutes but felt like an eternity. He gets lost in the depth of her dark eyes sharing the secrets of a lifetime wordlessly. He steps down and lowers the gun, the pain streams down his face an endless expression of the sorrow in his heart. He is vunerable and broken in her hands. Falling on his knees, too weak to stand, he is breaking. she kneels down in front of him taking the brokeness in her hands and picking up the pieces. taking his hands in hers she has the story of a new life dancing in the beauty flowing down her subtle cheeks. she says this is not the end it is a new begining. you and me we can conquer this world together. we can bring life to this desolate land. we have an enless story and we are heros. Shebrought a new hope to his dead heart and in return he has given her a new reason for life. They are hand in hand as they stand on the edge of the world.

2008-04-15T14:24:00.002-04:00

think backwards what do you see? what comes to mind?....a bit of craziness. something like that. Carefree joy that what comes to my mind.
Riding in the back of a pick up on a sunny summer day.
Spining around in circles in a parking lot lights in a blur
Looking up at the stars lost in the wonder and amazement of it all
running down the street after the ice cream man
sitting on the porch with a gallon of ice cream and a spoon without a care in the world.
no worries
no work
no school
no cell phones
no internet
no television

Let's go back to
Late night just sitting up discussing life
Loving one another and living on that love
planting a garden
wasting away the afternoon playing in the sprinkler
Going to silly garage sales.
playing in the mudd
getting dirty
just playing around

I wanna go back to the good 'ol days just for a little while
riding horses over the hills
.............let's just go back and slow it all down.

Evelyn Kirsten

2008-03-12T15:10:00.002-04:00

why can't there be peace and love globally. why does is violence so accepted? What do we want our world to look like? What do you expect? be different start a revolution, bring peace to our planet. LOVE AND PEACE GLOBALLY!

THE BEATLES lyrics - Strawberry Fields Forever

(Lennon/McCartney)

Let me take you down, cos I'm going to Strawberry Fields
Nothing is real and nothing to get hung about
Strawberry Fields forever

Living is easy with eyes closed
Misunderstanding all you see
It's getting hard to be someone but it all works out
It doesn't matter much to me
Let me take you down, cos I'm going to Strawberry Fields
Nothing is real and nothing to get hung about
Strawberry Fields forever

No one I think is in my tree
I mean it must be high or low
That is you can't you know tune in but it's all right
That is I think it's not too bad
Let me take you down, cos I'm going to Strawberry Fields
Nothing is real and nothing to get hung about
Strawberry Fields forever

Always, no sometimes, think it's me
But you know I know when it's a dream
I think I know I mean a "Yes" but it's all wrong
That is I think I disagree
Let me take you down, cos I'm going to Strawberry Fields
Nothing is real and nothing to get hung about
Strawberry Fields forever
Strawberry Fields forever
Strawberry Fields forever

[Cranberry sauce...]

2008-01-21T15:20:00.000-05:00

1/21/08 1:50 a.m.
So I got lost in the world again this weekend… I let it drown out the wonders of God. I don’t know why it is so easy for me to ignore something as evident as God but it is. I am currently searching for myself, and truth be told I’m at a loss. At a loss for words at the wonder he has done in my life and how far he has brought me, A loss of my body I find that no matter how much I long to have control over my body he has my heart and guides me in everything I do, A loss of understanding he is more than I could possibly hope to comprehend, he made all the stars in the sky. Every single star and he has a name for them all. He has more power and yet he is gentler than anything we can imagine. He loves us so much….He loves us….The God of the whole universe cares about us! I just ugh it’s hard for me to understand how a God like that could love someone as small and insignificant as me, yet he cares for our needs and watches over us. He never leaves us no matter what we do to him. We can stab him in the back and turn away. We can curse his name and deny him. We can do all these things but that doesn’t mean he leaves. We may walk away and shut out his voice but he is still calling. He still loves. He is still wonderful. He still cares for you. He never left. He never will. He is the creator of the universe and we are his children.

Evelyn Kirsten

2008-01-16T23:25:00.000-05:00

Some Valentine’s Day perspective

LoveStory#146:

The economics are simple. In 2005, Americans spent 13 billion dollars on Valentine’s Day. Human Trafficking/Slavery generates around 32 billion dollars every year. That is less than what we spend on three Valentine’s Days. Three days… If that doesn’t bring you hope, I don’t know what will. We have the means. If we have the will…the impossible seems possible.

In celebration of Valentine’s Day, we at Love146 want to start a Love Story honoring #146 and the children she represents. We’re not asking you to give up your Valentine’s Day traditions, we are asking you to join us in incorporating more into that tradition. More Love. Click here for ideas, or come up with your own. Send us stories, photos etc. We will begin writing the story with your own words. A Love Story that one day, we will read to rescued children.

We are living in a time tingling with possibility. We are calling each other to awareness and action. We are turning our face toward love and walking head held high toward abolition and restoration. Become part of the Story... {Valentine's Ideas}.

With Love,

Desirea Rodgers

Co-Founder/Creative Director Love146

2008-01-06T00:19:00.000-05:00

so today was pretty cool. I finshed the last harry potter book, which if i do say so myself is amazing! it is full of everything a good book needs. I went out for sushi with one of my good friends and had a good laugh or two. We left and went downtown for a little coffee and dessert. Is a bit cold but it isn't too bad. we got back to the car when we had finished our coffee and we started talking about dreams and passions and we decided to make bucket lists. and here is mine so far...

1. finish college
2. work outside
3. open an art shop
4. visit Europe
5.visit denmark
6. visit greece
7. Visit Ireland
8. Visit australia
9. have a cabin with lots of land
10. own a st. bernard
11. own a great dane
12. have a hippie wedding
13. publish a poetry book
14. fall in love
15. go on a road trip
16. fly
17. bungee jump
18. sky dive
19. dance maybe ballet
20. get familiar with my family
21. be more loving
22. play the piano and violin
23. be more loving
24. be a temporary missionary
25. design something spactacular
26. do karoake
27. make pottery
28. go see the trans siberian orchestra
29. go to a clemson football game
30. hike the appalachian trail
31. learn to mountain bike
32. read a biography
33. ride on a train
34. meet a fameous person
35. find and greet destiny happily
36. never lose my imagination
37. go to a ballet

2008-01-04T13:13:00.000-05:00

so me and my girls went to go see PS i love you last night in our prom dresses...it was so much fun. That movie definately just made its way up to the top of my movie ladder. I was crying the whole movie and then when it ended i went to the bathroom with one of my best friends and started balling all over agian it was wonderful...and a bit silly. I'm going to get my license today. finally. I never thought it would happen, now let's just pray and hope i pass the test! I love ya! I just got out of the shower so i'm off to get dressed...i'll let you know if i passed later

Peace out
Evelyn

2008-01-01T21:10:00.000-05:00

so it's the beginning of a new year....another year another time and yet what is actually new besides the year?
Many people make resolutions only to throw them away a month later. Why do we make such empty promises to ourselves...resolutions shouldn't be reserved for only new years day they should be a everyday thing, a life thing.

I'm confused...I can't figure myself out...maybe one day i will make sense to myself.
listen to avril lavigne's innocence song go to youtube and look it up, This is how my new years morning was.....Perfect, please don't go away, don't let it pass you by, I wouldn't change a thing about it this is the best feeling.

This is everything i could ask for and yet i am still left wondering if this is what i'm looking for or if i should still be searching for something more. I am left constantly wondering what life has in store for me and where i should go. I don't know.

This new years morning was the best new year's i could ever ask for...a bit awkward for a moment but in the same way not awkward at all. I enjoyed it more than i can say. I have been glowing in a sense all day....I do confess i was a bit snappy and short this evening though due to the lack of a good night's rest...sorry...I learned not to let momeints pass you by because you may not receive another chance to do it over. Take hold of a moment...if you feel like dancing, then dance. If you feel like kissing then kiss, kiss your heart out. If you feel like...well you get it, then take hold of that feeling, that urge and just hold it and listen to it. That's what i've learned on my new years.

Crank up the music, sing along, dance, run, love, cry, scream, talk, stargaze, hug, cuddle, kiss, be random, forgive, write, read, feel, just lay in silence,
these are my things to do for this new year..i want to most of all just love...

Above all love...
Evelyn Kirsten

Ps listen to avril's "i will be" it's a great song.

2007-12-21T22:36:00.000-05:00

so i have a problem.....
I have an eating disorder of sorts...
it's not bad so don't worry about it. I just count what i eat sometimes and other times i get bad and i don't eat for a couple days....
and when i do i feel guilty and cut....I'm not perfect....it's the truth.
I fall and i trip I have scars and i sometimes can't help it. MORE THAN ANYTHING I'M ASHAMED. I hate it and i don't want to talk about it but i know i have to. I'm doing okay now...it's just hard to accept myself the way i am....I'm always saying just 10 more lbs and i'll be happy but i can never seem to loose those 10 lbs....they just never go away. It kills me....

THESE ARE MY CONFESSIONS........

i cut sometimes
i am sometimes obsessive about my weight
I don't find myself attractive
I don't know all the answers
I have a lot of baggage from my past
I have stabbed people in the back before
I like to be bad
I enjoy the wild side
Night is my favorite time
The top of a parking garage is one of my favorite places
I can't get over love and it hurts
I like to makeout without commitment
I have commitment issues...as in i don't like it
Avril is one of my heros in a sense
I want world peace
I am a hippie of sorts
I want a tattoo of a razorblade on my wrist
My fight has just begun
I like to write poems
music has saved my life
I find tears beautiful
I like to cry
there is probably a lot more i will continue it later
.......................................................
Evelyn Kirsten Thomas

2007-12-07T21:04:00.001-05:00

Oklahoma, it is a place of many things. The majority of people think of the movie when they hear it's name but this story is nothing like that movie. In the city of Tulsa, Ok lived a small girl named Ash. This is the story of her life.

On a bright sunny day ash dashes across the backyard, admiring the blue skies but most of all facinated by a dashing blue and orange butterfly fluttering peacefully on the breeze. In kindergarden her parents sent her to a private school and they helped her to learn many things. She learned to write and was a very smart girl. She excelled in all of her studies especially reading and english. She went on to first grade the next year and learned more about the world, history, math and the normal studies of a young person. After that year her mother felt that it was fitting not to send her to school. She felt that the school restricted ash's imagination, her ability to think for herself ,and forced her to learn useless information. Ash was taught by her mother, in her frond yard, on a tree swing for a long time. Most of ash's life was spent outdoors playing in the dirt, riding her bike, exploring, or simply playing with the dogs. Her mother believed in teaching her how to care for the earth and how to respect it. Animals were a favorite of ash's. Her family owned two dogs a large yellow shephard and a small black terrier, but the small one didn't like to play. In the backyard was a playset and trees, but most of all there were vines in the back agiast the fence. Ash developed a wild imagination at a very young age and could entertain herself for hours. She would go up into the vines and pretend she was the captian of a ship or the queen of a faraway land, dreaming up creatures both good and bad.

2007-11-28T23:32:00.000-05:00

So you all know how I’m a fan of poetry so I was in the library today studying and decided to take a break. I picked up an old poetry book and found this poem...

Come away, come, sweet love
The golden morning breaks
All the earth, all the air
Of love and pleasure speaks
Teach thine arms then to embrace
And sweet rosy lips to kiss
And mix our souls in mutual bliss
Eyes were made for beauty’s grace
Viewing, ruing love’s long pain
Procured by beauty’s rude disdain

Come away, come, sweet love
The golden morning waste
While the sun from his sphere
His fiery arrows casts
Making all the shadows fly
Playing staying, in the grove
To entertain the stealth of love
Tither, sweet love, let us hie
Flying, dying in desire
Winged with sweet hopes and heavenly fire

Come away, come, sweet love
Do not vain adorn
Beauty’s grace that should rise
Like to the naked morn
Lilies on the river side
And fair Cyprian flower new bloom
Desire no beauties but their own
Ornament is nurse of pride,
Pleasure, measure, love’s delight
Haste, then, sweet love, our wished flight

I don’t know who it’s by didn’t think to look. I just wrote down the poem.

Do you ever feel like you just want to have fun? No commitment just fun for awhile. I just want to live and go about life in a quite careless manner. I just want to make out with someone. Not a boyfriend or anything just someone. Is that wrong? Part of me says it is. Part of me just wants to go grab a guy’s face and kiss him like it happens in the movies. I want to wake up in someone’s arms. I don’t want to have sex with them I just want to curl up with them. I just want to sleep next to them and wake up with them right there. So am I so wrong to want these things? I have problems saying what I mean, and I like to watch people while they sleep. I do funny things like that from time to time. I just want someone to share my time with but I don’t want the label and the commitment. I can do without that jazz.

I just want to kiss you. Let me kiss you! I feel so lost. I don’t know what I want. You were with me for so long. Night filled with sunsets and spill canvas and brand new that was all we ever listened to. Now we are so distant. Things have changed. Difficult would be the word for the way we are. Scattered feelings not sure what to let show. I thought I had gotten away but will I ever. It’s December a new year almost and we can finally talk again. What do we do with the way we feel? It was you those many nights that kept me alive for that I have you to thank. You are the one who taught me what love was. I gave it my best shot and ended up shooting it down. Now only embers survive struggling to start a fire with damp wood. Live for the moment. Live today. I need to take some chances. Make some moves. I need to kiss and love like never before, like I’ve never been hurt. I just want…….well what exactly do I want? I loved you. Somehow I still do. Somehow my heart still beats faster when I talk to you. Somehow despite all that happened I can overlook it all. Somehow I can’t ever love you that way again. Somehow I desperately want to. Somehow I long for your lips. Somehow……Someway….Someday. Those are my constant words.
Please forgive me.

Evelyn

2007-11-16T13:11:00.000-05:00

Love 146

make a differance...visit love146.org

2007-11-08T09:39:00.000-05:00

Red And Blue (a poem)

Swirls of color red and blue
A night that we literally flew
Above the buildings above the sky
Who would've believed we could actually die
You liked in my eyes and I looked to yours
I was a fire and a heart that was torn
I saw how the world had been reborn
The beginning of a crazy storm
The story of a life once lived took form
You grabbed my hand and with a flight of courage
You told me not to be discouraged
That this night would be filled with light
This night we are going to take flight
Around the city the sounds a blur
Who knew that things like this would occur?
A terrible crash
It was too good to last
A gasp of breath
We are going down
We are gracefully bowing out
Denied us even the strength of a shout
In the light of red and blue

by Evelyn Kirsten Thomas

2007-11-05T13:35:00.000-05:00

Amazing Grace...
How sweet is your sound...
That saved me..why would you save a wretch like me?
I one was lost..I was so lost in this world
But now i'm found...You came and pulled me from the pit i jumped into.
Was blind...I didn't know your amazing love and power
But now i see...You pulled me close and called me your daughter and now I see
you were there all along.

How long have i gone listening to this song and not ever taking the time to think about what it means. I was singing the 1st verse a lot this weekend and got to thinking about how amazing God really is. It blows my mind everytime i stop and think about it. I really just can't get over it nor do I want to. His amazing grace saved my soul, my broken beaten, tainted, and selfish soul. He took what I was and by his grace took me into his arms and made me new. I was so caught up in this world befor i knew my savior, but now i am free to be his creation and live for him just the was I was ment to be. Now i see that he was waiting for me all along. He was the one i needed when I was looking for the answers. He is the only one I will ever need. He is my everything.

2007-10-24T15:45:00.000-04:00

Oct. 24, 2007...some may see it as just another day but it was a beautiful day full of blessings and hidden wonders. I realized once agian how wonderous my lord really is and how magnficent this life is. I turn my back on him time and time agian and still he holds me close and says you are my daughter. He is my father, my protector, my shelter, my love, my one and only, the one i live my life for. He is all that I need. My trials are so trivial compared to the big picture. I have worried about tests and stuff like that today and then someone said why do you worry about these things like they matter in the scheme of things. They said, you are a daughter of the king, you are in his hands, don't you know that you are royalty. Don't you know that God will take care of you. Don't you trust him with your life. You are saying hold on a second God i can handle this by myself, when in reality i want to say, Jesus this is yours not mine you can have all my struggles and my trials you can have every part of my life. GOD IS AMAZING!

2007-10-16T01:19:00.000-04:00

so I'm definitely wide awake and it's like 1:30 in the morning. don't ask me why. i have no clue so much has been going on with me lately. I don't know how to handle it all. I'm lost. waiting to be found again. Keep listening and stop singing....how am i supposed to change what i can't. I want to change the world but i can't even help my own brothers and my mom hates me. What am i to do? I write these lyrics and these poems but what do i really feel. Have i been hiding my hurt in church. Do i find a smile and push it all to the back of my mind because i have always been good at that. I want to be loved and I know I am....I just forget sometime. I want so much to know my mom....not who she is now but who she used to be...I want that back but i know i can never have it. It's gone...for good i think..I want to cry....I hurt so much...I can't stop....I can't hold this back....I can't cry....I'm helpless...and lonely...I am at a loss for words and i don't know where to go from here.....I want to know my family...I don't know any of them...Do they want to know me?.. My own mother has disowned me. She won't speak to me. Do you know how that feels. My own mother doesn't want me. She hates me. I am a disappointment. I wasn't supposed to turn out this way. It wasn't supposed to be like this. She hoped for something more. I don't understand. I'll never be good enough for her. I've put down the knives and the razor blades but am i cutting in a different fashion? She says I'm worthless but should i listen? I'm falling down..again.....Is it worth it to die a little each day? The razor took my pain away....what takes it now that they are gone? I can see the light I just feel helpless in my pain. I thought this tragedy was over..It's not over yet. How can i face this? I'm up to the early hours of the morning wondering what this means. WHY? Do my friends still love me? Who can i talk to about this? I feel so lost. So hollow. So empty. So...So...helplessly broken. I don't have the answers but i need to hear them from somebody. I want to help her. I want to help them. I don't know where to start. Does she love me anymore? Did she ever love me? How would i know? Her words cut me deeper than I ever could have cut myself. I can not stop thinking about this. Does she ever think about me like I think about her. What does she think about. How does she see the world? Is my mother ever going to be my mother ever again? Will my questions ever have answers. I miss her. I miss my dad. I miss my family. I miss my brothers... It's been 2 years. I want them to know i love them. I want them to feel joy. I want them to be free. I'm still a prisoner. I'm still chained to my pain. I don't know how to let this go. I don't know where to go. helplessly broken. people keep secrets and don't tell me about my own family. I want to know. I deserve to know. It's my family. Is this the end? how will i ever know? Who do i tell?.........I just don't know.....I hoped for something more. How can i help other people when i'm still healing. I'm sill broken. I'm trying to let this go. PRAY FOR ME THIS CAN'T BE THE END.

2007-10-14T10:34:00.000-04:00

Swingin’

Autumn fills the air and spreads through the trees
I’m sittin’ here swinging and wondering where you are
Who do you think you are deceiving?
I’m not trying to hold on tight
But I feel like you could take flight
Maybe I’m not the one for your love
Maybe I should take it as a sign from above
Somehow you are still on my mind
Maybe someday we’ll get this right
The stars are a blanket over the earth tonight
I’m swinging
Wondering if this is what you are singing about
I will find bliss in the mornings kiss
Until then I’ll sit here and wonder
If you will ever know you were my thunder
Sitting here swinging
Wondering if this is a song you are singin’
Waiting on the sun
To undo the damage we’ve done
You are gonna be someone
This story has just begun
I’ll sit here and wait on the sun
You may be miles away
But mean what you say
I pray that you will come back one day
There is more than just these silly songs
Telling us to go back to where we belong
There is something better than this my love
I’m swingin and waiting on the sun
Come and undo the damage we have done

Evelyn

2007-09-17T16:30:00.000-04:00

Poems.....

Die to Life
we say the words
but are they heard?
we think this is right?
but what if it's wrong?
Do we sing along?
a mix of mindset
a single voice
this is all in a choice
pain in growth
this is what we need most
to do what we don't understand
to TRUST
we MUST
For to truly live we must die
By Evelyn

LISTEN
let your fear be melted away
called to go not to stay
the fortress must crumble
the walls have to fall
be consumed by the fire that overtakes all
nothng is to small
nothing to insignificant
to be truly God sized and magnificent
It simply needs to be filled with the omnipresent
hear his voice
he is there.....everlasting
catch and hold on to the rope he is casting.
By Evelyn

Are we caught somewhere in between what God wants for our lives and holding on to our own desires?
have deep water faith in the shallow end...
He knows better than we do.

2007-09-07T12:18:00.000-04:00

Remember.......
those we lost on September 6th....
fast full of life
living what we thought would be a lifetime
the days slip through our fingers
it's like trying to catch strands of moonlight
the children are God's gift to us
He gave them to us
He knows when it is time for them to go home
make the most of everyday and don't let any of it go to waste
We never know when God will take us home
control
everyone wants it
nobody but God has it
control, we need to let go
let him work his plan
eventhough we don't understand
trust
turn to him when we are hurting
unite, and love those it has effected
be christ to the hurting
love them like Jesus
and most of all remember
remember them
and that if they had God in their hearts
they are partying it up with Jesus

<3Evelyn Kirsten

2007-09-04T15:05:00.000-04:00

Speak
speak
speak out don't fear
this is your world
your stage tell the people
this world needs hope
love daughters never knew
the father a son needed his whole life
broken hearts
he heals them all
the beaten, broken having their innocence stolen
a mother cries
alone tonight
her only son died in the darkness
his blood spilled on the streets
hate resuting in another stolen breath
if we just look away
how can this world have hope one day
father they are crying out
hear the shouts
help those who believe make a difference
wake up! this is real
what's the deal
this world can learn to feel
kids rowing up without
struggling for food
faking smiles
while others drive around for fun
in cars that could feed the hungry
material living
what's the deal?
their words fall apart
parents fighting every night
they need you in their life
going throught too much
growing up faster than we ever imagined
all she needs to know is that you love her
all she needs is for you to hold her
but all she feels if cold, she ends up alone
hearts cold as stone
she ends her life another breath lost
christians scared to make a difference this is what it cost
take a chance
all she needed was love
a sign from up above
hard lives, real struggles look around make a move
don't let people stop you
you can make a change
this hard life we've been living alone for too long
don't know if we're gonna make it
if you get the chance take it
God is our solution
this is everything but noise pollution
By Evelyn Thomas
AKA. DJ. NTM

CHALLENGE: Change this world for the better people need to be loved perfectly

2007-09-04T00:33:00.000-04:00

Psalms 63 I won't write much more because it is late and i need to sleep though i would love to write more of what is on my mind. Today i came to the dorms feeling lonely, depressed and left out. i don't know what was worse the silence that was there of the feeling of being absolutely alone. I opened my bible and it fell open to the exact place that i needed to read. it's amazing how it happens that way. God is amazing. I love him with all that i am.
My God is better than life itself.
Love is wonderfull and God is my true love my one and only.
goodnight
Evelyn
12:45 am

2007-08-28T09:12:00.000-04:00

Life.....what comes to your mind when you think about it? It could be a variety of things from a baby being born or a moment pumped with adrenaline. Do you ever thing about God being life? Do you ever think man i'm alive because of Jesus this is so awosme? I wonder...
so today was a full day i don't know where it all went. Truely it's just gone i'm sitting in the laundry/living room of my dorm house and it's only like 11:30 and i'm completely exhausted i have a 8:00 class tomorrow morning wheeehew. but on the brightside I have 1 more day until my B-day so be excited! I am! this weekend is going to be awsome! No Lie! I have so much homework to do..... I'll do it tomorrow.
do it now
figure it out
give it to me now
facedown
boys speak in rythem
and girls just lie...
you speak in foreign language
nothing i can translate.......

late nights
bright early morning lights
fun days
chasing all of our troubles away
just for today
just for today
I will say
We could change the world
Go to the places i can't reach
go there and teach
go but don't preach
just show God's love
Know he is the one up above
he fits my life like a glove
It might be tough sometimes
But he will get you through the grit and grime
He is with us all the time
He wants to fill our hearts
He wants the whole not just a part
He will make you new but you have to let him start
neverending Love
Neverending love
Tonight our hearts are whole
Tonight we can just let go
Our spirits cries
We can let go of these lies
I want to see the fire in your eyes
no more goodbyes
take this worthless life away
make sense of this dissaray
I know you can hear us cry
Save us, rescue
make us anew
this is our prayer to you
this is my prayer to you
-by Evelyn K. Thomas

2007-08-21T21:05:00.000-04:00

worship.....it's a term we hear so often as Christians yet do we truly know what it is to worship? If I asked you to picture worship it would probably be a room of people with their hands held up singing Jesus songs... right? Don't get me wrong that is a form of worship. I am here to talk about worship with your life though. As Christians we should desire for our lives to be a living worship to him. He gave everything for us...why would he expect anything less in return? He wants everything that we possess, every aspect of our lives it should honor him. Our words should be pure and encouraging not used to bring others down. After awhile we shouldn't even have to think about it anymore it should simply come natural. I can't speak for you but I personally want people to get to know me and be like "wow that girl is really living I wonder why she is so different? What does she have that i don't?" My God is really amazing. I never imagined it could be like this. I always thought people were crazy when they told me about Jesus. I hated ,and I don't use that word lightly, anytime anyone would try to tell me about Jesus. I was so angry at God for everything that had happened in my life. Let me give you a summary maybe you are going through the same thing and i can help in some way. I would love to.
I came from a broken home. My dad was a semi-truck driver and drove across country. He was hardly ever home. My mom didn't like this but she dealt with it. She had been married once before to a horribly abusive man and had 4 previous children though I never met them. So she had some baggage from her past. My dad and my mom got into lots of fights, sometimes my dad would hit my mom. It scared me to death but I figured that was the way everyone acted because I had never known any different. I loved my dad so much...I really don't know why but I did. I went to a private school for kindergarten after that i was "home schooled" my mom tired to teach me. I suppose she taught me something though I don't really remember. We didn't follow a curriculum or anything she just told me what she knew and I listened. I lived and grew up in Tulsa Oklahoma for eight years. My dad had always wanted to live in the mountains so we planned to move to a little town called Afton Tennessee. My dad's "best friend" was going to give my mom me and my 3 younger brothers a hand in moving because of course my dad was on the road. On the way up there we received some terrible news. In 1999 my dad passed away in Illinois for pancreatitis. He is buried in Ohio. I never got to go to the funeral. It took me a long time to say goodbye and accept it. I was 10 when it happened. I slowly went downhill from there. My mom had to get a job to support us even with the life insurance. She never got over his death. When I would bring him up she would say that it was a good thing that he had died and that we had more money now that he was gone. She said she hated him and not to bring him up anymore. She told me that she didn't care about him. I didn't talk about it anymore after that. my mom and my dad's "best friend" got married not even a month after my dad died and they divorced about 2 months later. I had to go to public school from sixth grade on. It was a hard transition for me. I sank into deep depression. One of my only friends in seventh grade committed suicide.
So that brought me deeper into the feeling that nothing mattered. If you have ever felt that way you know it is one of the worst feelings on earth. I tried to kill myself multiple times during seventh and eighth grade. I would sit on the top of my 2 story house above the concrete driveway and think about just diving off. I was trying to decide if it would kill me or if it would just break a couple of bones. I didn't want to die i just wanted someone to know I was alive and to show me I was not alone. I was invisible to the world. money was always tight in my house we often did without food and would eat only rice for weeks. We moved up to Bristol Tennessee for my freshman year. Me and my mother had no communication no understanding nothing. She verbally abused me over and over telling me i was useless, that she wished I was never born, that i should run away, that I was stupid and would never amount to anything, and I believed her. We would get into fight after fight. She would physically throw me out of the RV trailer we were living in. she was a strong woman. I slept in the car countless times. I wanted so much to be loved. I had haunting tormented dreams and sleep disorders. Half way through my freshman year we moved into a shared house. I was the only one of my family who lived in the house though. The rest of the family parked the RV in the backyard and stayed in it. The other family had an alcholic father and a drug abusing mother. Due to the fact that I was the only one in the house I had a lot more freedom to come and go as I pleased. When i was 14 I got involved with a boy who was 17 me and him started dating and I became sexually involved but kept my virginity. He went for up to Delaware at the end of the school year. I met and started hanging out with one of his older friend peter who was 20 I hung out with him all hours of the day and night. One day we were in his basement and he asked me if I had ever been drunk. I said no. He asked me if I wanted to get drunk and I said sure why not. He got me wasted that evening. I couldn't control myself in any way. He only had 5 beers and he drank all the time so he had a high tolerance. He raped me that night. I lost respect for myself and anything in my life. I had nothing left. My life was a lost cause I had lost my only possession I had control of. I didn't care about anything. I got involved in drugs like pot, speed, cocaine, and ex. It messed me up but that how I dealt with my world it was messed up and so was I. I got drunk countless times. I was never home. I just landed and stayed wherever I happened to be that night. I was home maybe once a week. My mom didn't care she liked it better when I was gone. We moved to South Carolina to a little town called Greer my sophomore year. It made me more angry because i had to leave the one place I ever felt like i belonged. I started school and found the same kind of people pretty fast. They are not hard to find if you know where to look. I found all the same drugs and liquor but this time sex came with it. I didn't care who it was or what it meant. I have had more partners than I want to say I think it's around 10. I was living crazy. I was out of control. I moved in with one of my friends after one night when me and my mom got into a huge argument. I packed up what stuff i had and left. I lived with my friend for my sophomore year. I was sexually involved with her too. I went through a stage where I was confused about my sexuality and was "bisexual". I had been self mutilating since the 8th grade I had scars all over my arms and legs. It was the only way of numbing the pain inside. I loved the pain and feeling of tearing flesh in a twisted way. The end of my sophomore year I went to live with my friend Stephen and his family. They were a christian family. It was awkward at first and I got annoyed about how they talked about God all the time. I went to a Disciple Now weekend one week and I heard about God in a way I had never thought about it before. I accepted Christ at the end of that weekend. I had nothing right. I was about as messed up as it gets but I knew one thing, I found what was missing. I had a lot of questions and was still involved in worldly things. I didn't change right away, but I gradually started getting better I went to therapy and they helped my stop cutting but it was God mostly. He would talk to me when I sat up late at night lonely and depressed. He was my savior. I slowly stopped drugs, drinking, sneaking out, and cutting. My self image improved due to the fact my surroundings were encouraging and that I had God filling up that space in my heart that I had tried to fill with so many things over and over before. Nothing can fill that space but God. I had to go to court about custody issues. Even though my mother said she didn't want me she wouldn't let me go. I am now officially under the custody of Stephen's family. My mother won't talk to me. I pray for her. I wish it were different. I miss them but i know it can never be the way it used to be. I am growing in my relationship with God everyday now. I love him more than I ever thought I could I didn't have to clean up my life for him to take it. He took it and cleaned it up for me once he had my heart. He made my dirty messed up life clean. I trust him with my life, everyday of my life. I wait on his voice. He is the one leading me through this life. I am his vessel. I am now at NGU. serving Him in anyway I can. I am a Outdoor Leadership Major due to his voice. He is my guiding light. I may not have anything figured out and I may be looking into a foggy future but I am trusting Jesus to lead me through the fog to the other side. If you have any questions or comments feel free to leave them on this page I'll help you or answer them in anyway I can. I'm only 17 I'm 18 on the 30th yay. but so i might not have all the answers but i would love to try to help. or you can E-mail me at heartsrainbows7@aol.com
God bless
this is a relationship not a religion
I hope you can all feel this Joy one day.
Love
Evelyn

2007-08-20T20:20:00.000-04:00

do you ever just want to drive and drive and not look back? that's how i feel at the moment. i can't focus on my work so i'm writing and perhaps it will help my mind calm down. I just have so much going on at once it's hard to handle it all. I mean I'm on my own and i am having a hard time dealing with the fact that i have to do all of this stuff on my own all of the sudden like I have to have my homework done on a certian date and it's up to me to know what it is and when it's due. I wish there was a way to give god a call and just know for sure he's listening. I know he is but I just feel the need for reasureance. I'm in a whole new world and to tell you the truth it's a bit overwhelming. I suppose I'll get used to it but right now i just feel like breaking. .........i'm studying be right back................. so i never finished. i want to be free, free to dance and free to sing. this is my life am i who i want to be? Is it everything i dreamed it would be when the world was younger and I had everything to lose. Yesterday is dead and over! I need to live everyday like it's my last not worry about days to come because if God takes care of the sparrow he will take care of me. He is the driver I'm just the car. This is my life and it will be what I make of it. I suppose I better start living like I'm really alive! I couldn't be more alive than I am when I am with my God. He is my shelter and ever present hope in time of need. He is my strongtower. You hold me up when I'm weak. I love you
Thank you for peace
Evelyn

2007-08-16T09:10:00.000-04:00

So where are the crazy christians? the're not running through the streets screaming out his name that's for sure so where have they gone? Christians in todays world on average look and act like everyone else. Where is the difference that was supposed to happen? I wonder what nonchristains think when they look at us? I wonder what they think about when they see someone who is supposed to be changed acting like everyone else in this world? Do you ever want to just sit down and ask someone what it's like to be them. I want to hear someone's life story. I want to have a meaningfull conversation with someone i barely know. I'm sick of small talk. I am so tired of saying "hey how was your day. what have you been up to?" you know. I'm wanting something of substance, perhaps i just need to be patient but that can be so difficult sometimes. I want more than just the surface I want to see more of the inside of people I have a longing to see their hearts. I want to have meaningfull conversations about God and not feel wierd about it. I want God to use me to do more than I could ever do alone. I want him to help me reach someone. I want to go crazy over him. He deserves so much more than I could ever give. I want to shine. I suppose it is all in his time though and perhaps he is using me in ways i don't even realize. I was reading Romans 8 and it made me realize how often I forget the immense love that Christ has for us. I get so comfortable in my life and I should never be comfortable. If i'm comfortable that means that My Father isn't working in my life. He truely is my father so I think i'll start calling him Dad you know. It's a bit more personal. I feel his love and his promise everyday. I have to remind myself everyday that this life is not mine it's his and i should let him do with it what he will. It is not in my hands. This life is not my own. I follow what he tells me to do and where he tells me to go. If he says to me to do something and it dosn't quite make sense in my head I do it anyway because i know that he knows better than i do. I am majoring in outdoor leadership and the future is really foggy i don't know what i'm gonna do with it or where I'm going I have nothing figured out but I'm not worried. God has a plan and i am just following what he tells me to do. so pray for me and pray that I follow what he has in store for me. I am listening for his voice.

2007-08-13T18:20:00.000-04:00

so i'm up at NGU, I've been here since friday. This has been like summer camp so far. I've met a bunch of new people and i have some new friends. I'm super nervous about classes but i'll make it. I had a major God Moment wow wosh however you would like to describe it moment today. I was in the student center on my laptop because they don't have internet up in my dorm room yet, and I was going through all of these quizzes and such trying to find a major. I stumbled upon a wilderness page and remembered something someone had said to me earlier about outdoor leadership major. So i was sitting there thinking and i had felt earlier in the week that God wanted me to stay at North Greenville for my college life and so i have to pick a major that was at this college. I was on the laptop going through the NGU majors and i came upon outdoor leadership major and i said That is my major and i feel a peace about it like i haven't felt about anything before it was absolutely amazing. Then my best friend called and I told him and started crying on the phone and smiling from ear to ear in the middle of the student center i felt like getting up and yelling and dancing. I have been praying for that moment for so long. God answers prayers it just takes him some time sometimes. My God is amazing. He is my closest friend and my one and only savior. I love him with all that i am.
Pray for me
Evelyn

2007-08-04T02:53:00.000-04:00

so today i uploaded stuff onto my laptop....but that wasn't the best of my day it's 3:00 in the morning on saturday. I'm thankful to be alive and it's early in the morning like this when i feel most alive... i don't know if it is the day and how long it's lasted or the amount of emotion i feel when i'm tired or wide awake as i am now. I feel as if every feeling i have has been amplified. This is the most amazing thing i have had the best conversations of my life on the hood and on top of the roof rack of a jeep we like to call the tank. Some of the best people i know drive jeeps. I love them, rugged and ready for anything just like me. Sometimes i forget the best things i have are right under my nose. The ecos of my past follow me as much as i want to leave them behind i don't want to loose them, for they have made me who i am. I am waiting to shine. I am afraid of living on my own agian. I raised myself from when i was old enough to think for myself. I did what i wanted when i was little because i was "homeschooled" so i didn't have homework or school. I had a wild imagination...I wish i still did. I have been raised by people for the last 2 and a half years of my life and i don't know if i am ready to let go of that and be on my own agian. I suppose it is that time agian though. I've grown up to fast and now all i wish i could do is slow down time. I wouldn't go back because there is a lot more bad than good to go back to. I suppose that is why i am like I am. Hard headed and all.
God. i've always wondered what you look like
Lord i've always waited staring at the sky
but the heavens remained quiet as they drifted along in peace
thought they sometimes turned to thunder
\\
i'm like a question without answers
i'm calling out to you
Cause everytime i fall down i reach out to you
and i'm losing all control now
and my hazzard signs are all out.
take me to a place where nothing is wrong.
Save me
I'm calling out to you
I'm lost and lonely
I don't know where to go
help me trust you
show me what this life is all about.
I often have problems thinking of you as just a human like us i have a hard time thinking of you as a friend as i should. You feel so far away sometimes it's hard to believe you were ever as close as my skin but you were are still are. I'm a vapor in this etenity. I want this life to shine for you. I want to stand on the frontline and fight for you i want to live everything for you. You will be my everything. I'm waiting to shine. http://youtube.com/watch?v=p-3gmRslIks best video you will watch it's pillar if you have a chance go watch it.

wherever the wind blows you will find me there standing exactly where i'm supposed to be. wherever the wind blows you will find me there standing exatly where i want to be.

2007-08-03T15:29:00.000-04:00

2007-08-01T11:48:00.000-04:00

hey it's been like a week since i gotten back from my mission trip. It was amazing it changed almost everyone. i know it changed me. It was a wake up call because a week before i went my parents found out that i was drinking and i went to talk to my pastor because his daughter was with me when i was drinking and she has participated too so he asked me a question he said "are you sorry about what you did or are you simply sorry you got caught?" and at the moment i was just sorry about the fact that i had been caught i was by no means sorry that i had disobeyed my parents lied and multiple other things. I wanted to do what i wanted but then i went on the mission trip and seeing the thirst and hunger that those people in that town had for god and the poverty and hopelessness that went hand in hand. The dropout rate in that little town in virginia is more than 50% simply because they have no hope they don't believe they can do any better so they drop out like their parents before them. they figure that if their parents before them didn't go anywhere in life neither will they. The one's that do graduate high school hardly ever go to college it is a very rare occasion indeed. It made me sad to find that they have no hope they have nothing. I had everything and was doing nothing with it. God was so evident there I don't know what it was maybe a wake up call for a few of us. Goodness knows i think the kids in my VBS class taught me more than i ever got through to them. I learned to pray and how to just simply talk to god about anything and everything. he's taught me to Trust him and well that the bible isn't just something from back in the day. It applies to my life now. before i left i was having a problem with patience i didn't have a moment of patience for anyone. I left for the trip to virginia and that entire week God gave me moments to practice patience no he didn't give me patience he gave me the opportunity to be patient. He showed one of my best friends kyle that he has the gift of prayer. he is now everyone's prayer buddy if you need to pray go to kyle and he will pray with you. this trip changed me and i hope to never be the same as i once was.

2007-07-11T21:54:00.000-04:00

so i used to hate county music but after awile it just kinda grows on you i mean yeah a lot of it is lame and a bunch of it is a pointless ramble of life's downs. A good bit of it is good though it has some good points about life and the way we live it. I listen to just about anything now. Not everything but just about. I have a wide range of music. I have learned not to shun things i don't know a lot about. I have to try everything once. I'm gonna be on my way to virginia in a day and a half doing a missions trip.
I want to go camping and spend like 5 days just living out of a tent. sure life is easy in a house but sometimes i like the adventure.
You know it's amazing what people can do when they set their mind to it. you always hear about people and what they can't do so and so but in reality we can do so much more than we think we can we just have to set our minds on it. motivation is the key such as exercise, everyone has a problem motivating themselves to exercise well if they want that body enough they will go out and exercise. anyways i lost my train of thought so this is all for tonight.

2007-07-07T14:15:00.000-04:00

well today is Saturday.
I have been invited to two parties tonight. I'm torn. On the bright side i am not lacking in things to do tonight. I wish life wasn't complicated. Maybe i just need to stop analyzing things and just have fun with my summer. Just enjoy it for what it is and not worry about the future or the past. Just the present perhaps that's all we need to enjoy. I need to learn how to live in the moment more. I just want to have as much fun as i can before school starts and I'm a slave to papers and books again. I mean I'm only 17 almost 18 I'm young i want to live i want to take chances i want to feel liberated and living. I want to live on the edge of danger on the edge of everything. I want to spend more time naked and be a slut and not worry what people think about it. It's fun to act like a slut sometimes. Not like the slut that has sex with everyone just the one who dresses the part and is a tease. I don't go around having sex with everyone so don't get me wrong it's just fun to be noticed it's fun to make out with complete strangers. but then again i like having someone who will be there for me too.
I think i know what my problem with relationships has been. They've all been too serious. Now that i have fun ones i love it. Life is to short to be serious all the time.
those are my thoughts for the day

2007-07-03T21:15:00.000-04:00

why can't people just make up their minds? It's not hard you either want something or you don't simple enought right? Or perhaps I just find it simple due to the fact I am not the one making the decision. Much of the time I find myself in situations that i don't mean to be in. It's not that i don't know i'm going to be in them or that i don't want to be in them i just well i don't really know because this isn't making much sense and it's going in circles. so maybe I enjoy these situations i get myself into.

yes i can be a liar as well as a hypocrite, can't we all? so why do we get so mad at people who are? aren't we all fake to some extent? I think we are. So many people walk through life so blindly. Don't they see all of the things going on around them? It makes me feel so small sometimes to think that there is a whole world out there, millions more people and we are just specs on the earth, yet our lives hold so much meaning and so many stories. No two people have the same life stories they may be similar but of the millions of people out there not even two people share the same expieriences in this thing we call life. days go by but do people actually sit down and think that today could be their last and to live it to the fullest? People take their lives and the people who mean the most for granted. Why are some people entirely dissatisfied with the life they lead and others love every moment. is it the occurences in one's lifetime or what one decides to do with the moments that pass by. If you could replay your life how many things would you change? I wouldn't change anyting. I love every moment of life and hold no regrets. I live each moment out the best i can. I have nothing i would do differently. Nothing i would change. I love every day and everything happens for a reason I just let it happen. If it dosn't make sense to me at the moment it's okay maybe it will someday in the furture. I'm not afraid to try new things and i love the dangerous side of life. I want to see every color, Smell everything, Touch and know that i am truely alive. I want to feel the sun on my face on a warm summer day. I want to feel the wind brush my cheeks as i lay next to the one i love, I want to know that the end of today is just the beginning of tomorrow. I want so many things but most of all I just want to live and love. Love is the most amazing thing. it hurts, heals, makes you fly, and lets you fall, it is everything and nothing at all. It is more than just a simple 4 letter word so use it cautiously. You could make or break someone. This word carries so much weight in my opinion so if you use this word make sure the person you say it to is worth carring out the love you have confessed.
Just my thoughts
Until another time
Evelyn Kirsten

2007-07-02T22:37:00.001-04:00

so today I discovered I have a very big problem with people telling what i can and can not do. I got told by my parents that I was dishonoring them by talking to my ex who said a lot of bad things about my family and me when we broke up. The whole thing happened about 6 months ago. That's half a year. So about a month ago me and him start conversing as friends agian we figured we had enough time to get over the relationship and all. Me and him are cool i've talked to him like 3 times in the last month. He called me while I was in the car with my parents on the way to Bi-Lo tonight. I have my conversation and when i'm done they ask me if it was my ex and i say yeah. they go into this big rant about how they don't want me conversing with him and how it brings disgrace to the family name and how he never came and apologized to them. I was just like I put the past behind me and yeah he hurt me before but that dosn't mean I'm going to cut him off from my life. I don't want him to be a big part of my life agian and we will definately never date agian that was just a terrible relationship and it was a huge mess. he had to much emotional baggage. but all this was to say that i have a giant problem with them telling me they didn't want me talking to him. I have an issue with people telling what i can do and all. I want to do what i want when i want to. I sound immiture i know. I'm sorry. UGH. anyways so then on the other hand i have a predicament.

Is it bad to have flings? If i just want a month of fun before college starts is that so horribly wrong? I just have well have needs and they need fulfillment. I suppose they would technically be wants but still. Is it wrong if both people have the same motives. If both people know that it is just going to be a short term fun thing is it bad. Or do would it be better if more of up partook in these short term flings? Personally i'm a person who likes to have fun sometimes with no strings attached and when we say goodnight that's the end. no calling no keeping in touch nothing. just plain fun

what the heck?

2007-06-30T21:17:00.001-04:00

why the heck are guys so confusing? i suppose it would be for the same reason they think we are so entirely complex. ok so lets suppose i hoked up with this guy and we hit it off really well but i'm not sure what we would be considered cause we are still talking. are we dating? are we casual? are we just friends who hook up every once in awile. I know i could probably just ask him but i wish that there was an easier way to do things. i wish i had a sign or something.

So today i went driving 1st time on a real road and i'm 17 pathetic i know i've heard believe me i wish i could drive. I went through hell to even get my permit it shouldn't be as hard to get my license believe it or not. I can't wait i can go when my birthday comes in august. 20 days after i start college. I'm scared to death.

My iguana, his name is iggy, won't eat and i don't know what's wrong. He's just a baby and i think he may be depressed because his cage is kinda small. I hope he's okay. We got him at the beach a couple of weeks ago. He was at a flea market with two of his buddies and we rescued him and took him away from florida all the way back to South Carolina. He currently resides in my brother's bedroom.
I hope i figure things out. I have so many questions i need answered but i don't know where to find the answers.
Wish me luck.
Until next time
<3Evelyn Kirsten

the day after

2007-06-29T13:23:00.000-04:00

so i was sitting here thinking and i came to the conclusion that the day after is always the worst. is something either really good or really bad happens the day after it is almost always worse than the day of. I also came to the conclusion that i would be lost in this world without some of my best friends being there with me through the good times and the not so great times. it's amazing how much we can take those people for granted because they are they are there for us all the time. I am determined to never get used to having best friends. i did't have a group i could talk to and share my feelings with for a very long time and now that i do i would give my life for them. they mean litterally the world to me.

Where does time go. it just races by us like it's in a hurry to be somewhere. one minute is there and the next it's gone. what we do with those minutes and seconds. those hours and days is what makes the course of our lives one second could change everything. one minute and the course of your life could be completely changed. it's amazing what time can do and how fast it abandons us.